WTF

Today I went to the rhumetologist and approached the subject of me having babies. In a nutshell he told me I should not have them. Evidently, I am on all the "messing up growing babies drugs" and I would be off too much medicine while trying to get pregnant and my body would flare up bad. He wondered if I could handle the pain. My JAR has mostly just got worst over the past two years and the drugs I am on are not really working like Dr. Rutstein wanted. He seemed to be worried about the stress on my body and all the unknowns that go with JAR and pregnancy Even if the pregnancy was good after the baby was born I would flare up and not be able to take care of the baby. For him it seemed like too many risks. At different times in my life I asked this questions of him and it was a lot of wait and see; some hopeful answers but nothing definitive. When I asked him today and he realized I was serious the answer was no. So essentially I was falsely hoping all along. I guess there are always second opinions, but I think I know in my heart they will say the same thing.

On the upside there is adoption and that is probably what I will do, but still a little part of my soul died today.